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I’m in bed attached to a pump while I share these. My milk supply has dropped significantly and I’m equally startled and sad. It doesn’t feel right being a mama who wanted to nurse her babies until like 3 years can barely keep milk for 5 months. I’m not letting it win this time though. Even if it means endless pumping and all the supplements and food logs and… all of it.
Like cats, we can always be found in the afternoon sunshine. 😉
February 25th, 2021. Matthias invited me to join him for lunch today, but I had to turn down the sweet offer because leaving our home is just too much to do alone with the two babies— at least today. One day at a time, one day at a time.
I was still mostly on bedrest at two weeks postpartum with Eliot and that’s just not possible this time around, but if I can stay home, that’s at least something. I remember at 19 (and in other years, but for some reason 19 really stands out) I couldn’t stay home, I was always itching to be out & about. Somewhere in the past few years that all changed. I think when I married Matthias— now home is my favorite place in the world, especially when I have all my people here🥰
February 23rd, 2021. Becoming a mother of two has turned me into a napper.
I grew up in a household that had quiet times in the afternoon, but I usually skipped napping and listened to adventures in odyssey instead. Offer me a quiet hour these days though— I’ll happily sleep.
Emerson is two weeks today and we’re still finding our rhythm, but yesterday and today Eliot and Emerson both took late afternoon naps and today I got one with them... I think we need to make that our thing.
I woke up wanting to make blueberry muffins with Eliot so he hopped in the ergo with me while Matthias cuddled Emerson on the porch. It’s a keep-the-doors-open kind of week and we enjoyed our evening outside drinking coffee & reading the hobbit out loud after Eliot & I got the muffins in the oven.
Mom is coming over this week to help out a few hours a day. Matthias is back to work... like for real. He worked last week, but only a handful of hours a day and from home. So this is different.
Adjusting to two is different than adjusting to one. Is that so obvious that I sound silly for saying it out loud?
Having Eliot was an emotional adjustment (in very happy ways, thankfully). It took time to settle into becoming a mother...
There were definitely physical changes... I mean, we added a whole new person into our life and routines, so, of course. But it felt more spiritually + emotionally shifting than physical adding our firstborn.
Adding Emerson in... well, I’m already a mama. I knew the joy that was coming. It’s been much more of a physical adjustment this time. Not because Emerson is a different newborn, but because we have a 13 month old in the mix. I’m chasing a toddler all day and also up all night. (Ok, not all night... but still.) I’m tired, I’m happy.
some moments that make me happy:
Mom Frost has been with us since very early Tuesday morning right after Emerson arrived. She spent the first week with us after Eliot’s birth and now Emerson’s... and I don’t know how we’d manage without her. She keeps the household running while we spend lots of time in bed just snuggling, bonding, healing.
“I’ll start Winnie The Pooh while you finish your soup”
“No, that’s my job!” he insisted with fun in his voice.
Matthias wouldn’t really call himself a reader, but we read regularly together as a couple and as a family. Tonight I was ready to begin on our bedtime routine with Eliot in the middle of our much-later-than-usual dinner time, but Matthias didn’t want me in my rush to take away his dad duty: reading a chapter from the full collection of Winnie The Pooh. It’s a part of our nightly routine right now and he is the one that reads it out loud.
Do you drink wine? You know that feeling when it warms your throat, chest, and belly? I felt like that tonight when he insisted on me not taking over Winnie The Pooh duty. Warm, fuzzy all the way through. He really loves being the dad who gets to read to our baby.
Eliot is 12 months... He doesn’t laugh at all the funny things Pooh and Piglet have to say or understand the predicament of getting your head stuck in a jar of hunny, but Matthias and I laugh out loud often at the ridiculousness and Eliot plays on the floor nearby while we do. I wonder if he even really knows we’re reading this *for* him. He often babbles and talks or sings loudly while we read. It seems like he’s trying to match his dad’s volume. But we’re happy with our noisy, distractible firstborn.
I am thankful we have a safe place to call home and have a nightly routine in. I am thankful we have time freedom for reading books together. I am thankful for a partner who is learning alongside me how to parent with presentness and intention. Thankful, thankful, thankful. To God be the glory.
**Eliot can sit still looking at a book for aboutttt 90 seconds. Although that is such a sweet picture, it’s not really what our nighttime reading routine regularly looks like.**
I’ve spent a lot of late nights on this porch chasing my dreams. I am full of them, alongside hope all packed into my heart.
I am blessed with time freedom because of Young Living, so my days are busy with the things I choose.
I love our days. I love that I get to be in charge of them. I love that I get to prioritize and schedule and consciously decide to be present for Eliot.
But comfortable days aren’t the extent of the dreams I have for myself and my growing family. Comfortable days don’t make me feel proud, because they don’t ask much of me.
Comfortable days don’t leave me feeling the good kind of tired— the kind of tired where you’re so happy to crawl into bed and think... “today, today I did my best. today I lived fully.”
So at night, I work. Eliot goes down, Matthias tucks in, and I am here, on this porch, working.
Work requires different parts of me to show up, stay alive.
Work requires different parts of my mind and spirit. It gives me balance because it draws on parts of me that aren’t awakened by motherhood.
I’m lucky to be able to choose presentness in my motherhood. But I need more than just motherhood - because I am more than just a mother.
I’m grateful I have these nights alone, chasing dreams. I get to set myself on fire and feel passion and exhaustion and it makes me look forward to waking up & doing absolutely nothing but snuggle my baby until 10am.
I think I am living in the best of both worlds.
