balance + kindness

Balance. Kindness. Learning how to navigate motherhood & working from home. Being a mama brings me joy. So does my work. Motherhood makes me want to cuddle all day. My work desire makes me feel like I’ve accomplished “nothing” if that’s what we do. He’s 13 weeks old. It’s ok to cuddle. It’s also ok to want to get up & chat with my community & work from my laptop & phone. Balance. Kindness. Learning day by day.

three months

Our monthly photo. Eliot is exactly 3 months old. He’s also exactly 13 weeks. On exactly 5 years from the day Matthias & I meet. It was Easter Sunday in 2015 and I was shooting my first wedding as a full time wedding photographer and he was the best man. (6 months later we were married.)

I’m glad I started

March 12th, 2020. If I waited for the days I felt pretty enough to be in a photo to take our daily pictures, instead of having 172 days of of them, we’d have only a small handful. If I waited until creativity inspired me to take our photos, it’s likely we’d have likeee 30 photos. 

We aren’t doing these to impress anyone. (Let’s be honest, these aren’t impressive anyway.) I’m not showing up every day to prove anything to anyone other than myself: 

I can be faithful. 

I am worthy of being in photographs. 

Our life is worth remembering and this is the best way I know how. Taking these photos & journaling our days. 

When we started this project we were living with Matthias’ parents after a dog attacked very-pregnant-me at our apartment. We found ourselves packing our stuff into a storage unit & moving only what we needed into his parents place. We were planning to stay a month & it ended up being 3. 

I started this project at the end of that first month there. It wasn’t a good time to start something like this. Honestly, there were a lot of good excuses for why I should wait. But I’m glad I didn’t. 

I’m glad I started in the thick of our hardest season we had ever walked through as a couple. 

I find that I don’t love the photos the day I take them usually, but I look back even just after a few weeks and I am so grateful we have them. 

If you’ve been wanting to take more pictures of you and your family, you. absolutely. should. If you need encouragement, I’m here. And if you start your own daily photo project, even if it’s a short term one, tag me so I can see and celebrate sweet, mundane, messy life with you. 

LB, Post office, etc

dragged my feet to the post office today... and it actually wasn’t horrible for once. that felt worth mentioning considering how much I was dreading that errand. 😂 had an unexpected facetime call from Leslie Burris to collab on a genius Young Living project she is coordinating. Bonin family dinner was canceled due to some of the littles throwing up so Matthias and I packed up to spend the night in New Waverly so he could work on his camaro. and somehow it’s past midnight now so... goodnight.

Two months

Two months today. Two months of having Eliot Lionhart earth-side. Two months of arms & hands being constantly full. Two months of not sleeping very often. Two months of adjusting to this new role as mama, the life-giver he trusts for everything. Two months of the sweetest mornings I never knew to dream of & look forward to. I love these days with a newborn. I’m going to recreate the photo with Eliot on my hip at month one, but didn’t get to it today. so that’ll be tomorrow’s photo.

Brunchin’

Brunch then lunch with some of my faves. (we were together so long we got hungry again😂) New traditions & some old ones. I was in the middle of bleaching & coloring my hair this morning and then picked back up this afternoon when we were nearing the end of lunch. I had just washed my hair out when I realized the photo of the day should be with them & they volunteered to put towels on their heads to match me. 😂 true friends 🙌🏼

one month with Lionhart

February 5th, 2020. One month with Eliot Lionhart.

one week with eliot

January 12th, 2020. One week ago, after thirty hours of labor, we met our new best friend. 💙 Mom (Frost) left this afternoon and I cried when she did. It has been the sweetest time ever having her help us transition into parenthood this week. We’re the luckiest kids to have the parents we do. 😭❤️ I hope I can be the same support when our babies are having babies.
We started the Taking Cara Babies sleep course this evening. Fingers crossed it’s as good as we’ve heard! I loved her advice for the first four weeks: just 1) brush your teeth 2) adjust to your new life. That’s all. 😂🤪 one week down of that!

January 3rd, 2020

January 3rd, 2020. we took a break from family dinners for december since we were doing so many other family related activities and needed some nights off at the end of this pregnancy. since we got out of the groove of going, we totally forgot it was happening tonight until my sisters texted me. I sure didn’t think we’d be attending a january family dinner without a baby in tow.
charcuterie with leftovers from the wedding, chicken wings (seasoned extra spicy for the guys), green beans, and a walk a few times around the block with the husbands and babies. I love these very little big things.

January 1st & 2nd, 2020

January 1st & 2nd, 2020. baby watch 2019 turned into baby watch 2020. I guess we’ll be able to say things like “we started having kids in the 20’s.” 🤪 I wasn’t in a rush to have him OTHER than the fact I really want him here before mom leaves for Hawaii on Tuesday (the 7th). at this point I have no idea if that’ll be the case. maybe my womb is too cozy and I’ll be pregnant forever. but I’m hoping he’ll be arriving this weekend. all the prayers are so very appreciated.
and yes, the ornaments are off our very dead tree and packed away, but I’m still reluctant to take it down. soon, soon, but not today.

the hiley wedding

December 29th, 2019. (of course our daily portrait is an iPhone photo in the apartment dog park after spending all day at the beautiful wedding venue.😂 you’d think we would’ve made time for a better portrait while we were at a pretty place all day, but the day was a blur!)
5 married Bonin siblings in the last 5 years. Dang, this next season of life is happening fast! We began set up at 9am and we were out of the cleared venue & on our way home before 7pm. Sam & Annalise had better things to do than hang out with us all evening, I guess. 😉The whole day was sweet & I can’t wait to hear it about it from my siblings & parents perspectives. For me, it was a joy spending my morning prepping the most beautiful charcuterie spread with Hannah Joy & helping Sydnie as she decorated & delegated work for the reception space. I loved getting ready with my sisters & seeing so many people we cherish after the ceremony. I am very much regretting that I didn’t take more photos of the day. 😭 I feel like all my energy was spent just being there on my feet trying to be helpful & managing some pain & so it wasn’t on my mind like it normally is. My back was killing me all day, so I made a rare exception for some acetaminophen. It felt like I would just about pass out if I didn’t do something though. I wondered briefly if we’d be having the baby on their anniversary, but no baby yet.

rehearsal dinner

December 28th, 2019. walked out of the mall at 8:40pm with something to wear for tomorrow. looks like we’re definitely making the wedding! I’m “a bridesmaid” with no dress & thankfully I’m not walking down the aisle or standing with the crew. and this is my first sibling to not have a first look, so the tradition of me shooting that is also out! this is going to be a really easy wedding for me 🤪 rehearsal tonight, which I didn’t really need to be at, but why would we miss it? and a super informal pizza dinner with 18 of the people I love the very very very most.
having a big family means there are always people & things (little & big) to be celebrating and I am thrilled about every bit of it.

December 23rd, 2019

December 23rd, 2019. Christmas Eve Eve. he was in bed with me a lot later than normal & was home right before 2pm. that makes it really feel like a Christmas break.
I spent my morning with Hannah Joy after seeing the midwife & listened to the Lifegiving Home for a couple hours while doing more little house things and trying not to feel guilty about taking some days off before our big life change.
tonight we walked a few miles & discussed decorating plans for future Christmases, snacked on our fridge full of leftovers, and finished our evening at corner pub with friends.

December 15th, 2019

December 15th, 2019. slow, slow, slow. a wonderful Sunday that included a hot coffee in the cool weather at a new (to us) bakery, enjoying the breeze & outdoor seating & a cinnamon roll as big as my face. (we didn’t eat it all. 😳)
hiked about three miles this afternoon in Spring at a park I haven’t been to before. Matthias found it a few months ago while hunting Pokémon. (hahah!) Byron jumped in a lake & then rolled in sand to dry himself off. he had the time of his life, of course. we said he would absolutely not be getting in bed with us tonight. and well, here we are.

74 days

December 5th, 2019. This self portrait journey has been a mix of days where we set up the camera & shoot our life as it is and days where we intentionally create pretty or “perfect” portraits for us. And then, of course, there are days in between... like the iPhone selfies when we’re exhausted. No matter what though, for 74 days now we’ve done something and that makes me really proud, because it’s ours and we’ve stuck to it.
We have been through the hardest season we’ve ever experienced together these last few months. We intentionally started this project at a time that wasn’t ideal: living with his parents after our lives were upended. In the chaos and pain, I wanted to hide from myself, and I definitely wanted to hide from the world. Damn, I’m glad I didn’t. I’m glad we stared this when it still hurt. (And I’m glad to be on the other side of so much of that now.)
I don’t mean to take a sudden turn here, and in my head this connection makes sense, but if it doesn’t... well, sorry. It’s exciting, fun, wonderful creating “pretty photos.” But the ones that feel closest to our real life & the ones feel deeply that *that is US* are the ones I love the most... and those are also the ones I have a hard time pressing publish on in the evenings. I feel so exposed.
There is security in “perfect” photos.
But when it’s more true to life... when it’s us in our PJs & cuddled in my favorite chair watching the office, I feel... vulnerable... and I find myself wondering (worrying?) what stories online-friends might tell themselves about what our marriage or life must be like.
I wonder if that feeling will go away before we stop doing these.