December 5th, 2019. This self portrait journey has been a mix of days where we set up the camera & shoot our life as it is and days where we intentionally create pretty or “perfect” portraits for us. And then, of course, there are days in between... like the iPhone selfies when we’re exhausted. No matter what though, for 74 days now we’ve done something and that makes me really proud, because it’s ours and we’ve stuck to it.
We have been through the hardest season we’ve ever experienced together these last few months. We intentionally started this project at a time that wasn’t ideal: living with his parents after our lives were upended. In the chaos and pain, I wanted to hide from myself, and I definitely wanted to hide from the world. Damn, I’m glad I didn’t. I’m glad we stared this when it still hurt. (And I’m glad to be on the other side of so much of that now.)
I don’t mean to take a sudden turn here, and in my head this connection makes sense, but if it doesn’t... well, sorry. It’s exciting, fun, wonderful creating “pretty photos.” But the ones that feel closest to our real life & the ones feel deeply that *that is US* are the ones I love the most... and those are also the ones I have a hard time pressing publish on in the evenings. I feel so exposed.
There is security in “perfect” photos.
But when it’s more true to life... when it’s us in our PJs & cuddled in my favorite chair watching the office, I feel... vulnerable... and I find myself wondering (worrying?) what stories online-friends might tell themselves about what our marriage or life must be like.
I wonder if that feeling will go away before we stop doing these.