It’s unlikely anyone would ever describe me as gentle.
Persuasive. Thoughtful. Up for a challenge. Consistent. Yes.
But gentle? Hasn’t really ever been on my radar.
It’s not that I’ve never acted with gentleness, and it is a character quality I admire in others.
I guess a part of me felt has always felt like it is for other women... women who were created with gentler demeanors. (I’m laughing about this right now.)
I’m recognizing in my motherhood the huge gap between who I am and who I want to be. The woman I am on the inside -- the grateful, exuberant, joyful human I feel like -- doesn’t translate well to the outside of me.
While my insides feel like an easily bruised piece of fruit, I generally have a harsh look and presence.
But I don’t want that to be true of me.
I am recognizing that I can change and truly want to. I want to be a gentle person, mostly because I want to be a gentle mother.
I want my children to look up from where they’re playing and feel adoration when they meet my eyes. From across a room I want them to feel with my glances that they are treasured, desired, seen, unconditionally loved. It sounds like a lot to expect from a silent expression, but I’ve felt that look before. I’ve had it, from my mom, a sister, my husband. Even my toddler.
The softness a gentle person adds to a room is hard to describe. I only know it because I’ve been around these rare and beautifully soft people. I want to be one of them.
I have words for 2023. I haven’t done that in years. But the words knocked on the door of my heart and let themselves in before I even had a chance to consider whether or not they could stay. (I’ve been reading a lot of children’s books and in my minds eye I’m seeing Pooh Bear, making himself at home in Rabbit’s hole, helping himself to a pot of honey.)
Gentle.
Laughter.
Those are my words (intentions, focus, prayers) in 2023.
This year I want to be a soft light in the rooms I walk in to. I want my boys and husband to receive all the benefits of my surrendering daily. Letting down my guard, letting out more light, trusting God to fill me to overflowing with the fruits of His spirit.
