The mother and adult daughter relationship isn’t one that always comes easy. At least in my experience, even if you’re very close friends with your mom, there will sometimes be hurt feelings, misunderstandings, arguments, or times of emotional distance.
It would be nice if relationships were perfect. Life would certainly be smoother if friendship didn't demand time and effort. But I guess that some of the magic in relationships stems from the depth they acquire through time and shared experiences. If every relationship had effortless connection and perfect compatibility without any effort or practice, I think something valuable would be lost.
It seems it’s the shared experience of investing time, putting in effort, and learning how to navigate challenges that allows relationships to grow and become meaningful and transformative.
My mom and I have had 28 years of getting to know each other, and along with all of the best memories, I’ve also found at times, bitterness I’ve had to uproot, judgments I’ve had to toss, opinions I’ve had to reshape. We are changing, and so is our relationship.
I’ve found working things out in relationship really comes down to direct words, spoken carefully.
There is a delicate balance between being truthful and being considerate, and finding that balance is the a game of getting over myself and practicing self control.
I’ve definitely been ashamed of how I’ve acted in our friendship before, and those times are always after I've allowed my overwhelming emotions to guide my speech.
I've discovered that pausing to let my storm settle before speaking is always the better decision. It allows me to carefully consider my words.
The most powerful words aren’t the words spoken with the most emotion or volume, but the words spoken that get most closely to the truth.
And perhaps, sometimes it seems like speaking more loudly gets you closer to the truth of how you feel, because you’re angry. But in my experience, when I let the anger simmer down, underneath is usually some thing else… like fear, or rejection, or loneliness.
This recent season of life I have felt has brought distance between my mom and I. She’s mothering four at home, running a business, keeping her marriage thriving. It’s honestly hard for her to fit in time for anything outside of that, like one on one conversations with me.
Recently, despite feeling a bit embarrassed at 28 years old, I found myself reaching out to my mom. I had to express that there's still something in me that aches for a deeper connection. I realized that what I truly needed was dedicated time for just the two of us to have meaningful conversations. So we’ve started going to breakfast together. Actually, it's a familiar routine. Reminiscent of our 5AM breakfasts when I was a teenager. Looking back, I realize that even then, it was challenging to find moments of solitude for us to have quality time.
We’re reconnecting over bacon and eggs and at least 3 cups of coffee each. It’s a mixture of life’s current happenings (since we aren’t in the day to day together anymore) dreams for the future, hard things going on (like needing to get our roof replaced because of mold), and more. It’s just… time. Basic, but so important… time.
I’m grateful that the conversation comes easily, that we make each other laugh, and that my little one peacefully dozes off for half the time and then plays contentedly in my lap for the rest.
It’s 4:30AM and the birds are singing loudly, and it throws me back into my memories: being six years old, tagging along to work with dad, stopping for donuts along the way. There's a touch of magic in those memories. And now there’s magic in buckling up my baby, heading to the diner where mom and I have shared many breakfasts at 5AM together before.
The waitress pours us coffees and we ease in the conversation with laughter and how cold it is where we’re sitting. Let’s definitely bring sweaters next time.
Mom, I’m so glad you’re my friend. Thank you for thinking my friendship is worth working for too.
