If I could describe the vision I have for our home, it would have more to do with feeling than aesthetic. Not that I don’t value a beautiful home; it’s something I’m continually working towards (and probably spend too often worrying about).
But I know from some emotionally hollow years inside of a professionally designed and decorated home, that no perfect sconce, end table, or wallpaper makes up for a suffering family culture.
I do want our home to be beautiful, comfortable, and safe. I want to feel snug, hugged by saturated colors, warmed by dappled natural light, and have books within reaching distance in every room. (Thank you, baskets, for your service.)
Home is the place to have my hair down, shoes off, and stray mugs on too many surfaces.
Home is a restful moment.
Home is the place to be off, the least-done and most-cozy: PJs and slippers and makeup free.
But home… is also where the people I love the very most live. Home is also where my full time career is, as mother and caretaker of this space.
I am constantly working towards finding the balance of
this-is-where-we-rest
and
this-is-where-life-happens-with-my-people-so-I-better-really-show-up.
I need days off, too, of course. But I spend most of my time at home and I have found that only being off at home doesn’t work for me.
I want my husband ands kids to see: out of everyone in the world, I care most what they think. I don’t want to consistently give them my second bests.
The balance of I rest here, and I show up to serve, love, work, and do the majority of my life here, is so weird and vague.
If there is a perfect balance, I haven’t found it. But, I have learned some things about myself... like…
I don’t want to only get dressed or put on makeup for other people. I do it for myself, and I do it because I like feeling like I’ve tried.
I want our home to be clean for us. Not because other people are coming over, but because we enjoy being here more when we do the work to keep it up.
My attitude is a matter of what I let myself think and I am constantly course-correcting my negative thoughts (especially around how repetitive household work and child rearing can be).
I want my children to see me acting out my thoughts: Hey-I-really-care-that-you’re-here-and-with-me. And this-job-at-home-matters-too-so-I’m-trying-to-treat-it-with-respect.
So while I am continually on the lookout for ways to make our house more aesthetically beautiful, I’m trying to stay tuned-in to my thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors that contribute (or detract) from our ideal family culture and home atmosphere.
Recently I’ve been struggling with some “I am failing at this” thoughts with my household. When it happens, I go for a walk and tackle a project, and find those make me feel like I haven’t completely lost my handle on our home.
It’s a process and I’m okay here, living in the middle.