August 20, 7:25AM -
My dad just woke me up telling me that Maddie stayed at our cousin’s house last night, and that she’s also been continuing to use drugs. I don’t know why she keeps lying to me, but it hurts. I’ve opened up to her. I’ve tried being what she needs. I know I can’t fix her, but I’ve been doing what I thought would help. She makes it so hard, River.
Her heavenly Father has her. I know this. But it breaks my heart, knowing the hopelessness that she must feel. Kipper was given away, a relapse, all her Buddha books (I’m not even sure how to spell that, sorry.) I’m trying… I just have to keep praying that Christ would meet her. Where she is, right now. That he would move in her life, in her heart.
This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. I will. I must and I will. Help me, Father.
I just talked with Rose for about half an hour about everything. She doesn’t know that Maddie is still using. She is such a trooper. I love her to death. Midway through everything, she says,
“So I see you started drinking your coffee black.”
“Well it wakes me up quicker… plus River drinks it that way, so…”
“Yeah, that’s why,” she smiled as she flicked her cig. “I know you, man.” And it’s true. She does.
I’ll be taking Kipper to his new home tonight. That’s going to be hard. His little eyes. He was a decision made out of fear. Never make decisions because you are afraid.
Luke and I are at Starbucks while my dad and mom and cousin and aunt perform what can only be described as an intervention. As far as I know, that consists of telling her that she cannot at our house anymore right now. She’s been using… I don’t know what, exactly. There’s a chance it may be heroin. My mom drove up after a day at school trying to get ready for her philosophy class and just cried. The subdued cry of a mom who knows she can’t really lost it — too much depending on her. It’s heartbreaking. I wish my dad would try to be more comforting. He’s got so much on his shoulders, I know. I feel like I’m filling in a lot of familial holes. It’s the least I can do: just be sure Luke and Rose are where they need to be, sit with Rose so she doesn’t clam-up and shut down, hug mom, help her with philosophy class plan. School starts for me in a week. God, give me grace. let me not become resentful of my family’s needs.
I miss you so much, River. The memories of you are my sanity. You’re my joy in this hardship.
“Re: Stacks” - Bon Iver
“This is not the sound
of a new man
or crispy realization.
It’s the sound of the unlocking
and the lift-away…”
Maddie ran away. I passed her on the way back and rolled down the window and she looked at me. Straight at me. I’ll never forget it. We don’t know where she is. She’s been sharing needles, River. The last thing I said to her before she left the other night was “be safe.” Jesus, Jesus, daddy. Please don’t let that be the last thing I ever say to her.
I’m in such pain. The only time she ever really let me be there for her was about two years ago when she and Rose had a huge fight. She was in her room, crying hard. I went in and just held her, held her for probably an hour until she cried herself to sleep. The only other times she let me do that was when she was either drunk or strung out. She had everything. She has everything. God, keep her safe. Please.
Pray fo me, River. Pray that I can be strong for the family.